The older I get the more I learn the difference between a real friend and a fair weather friend. Let's learn the difference between the two. A Fair Weather Friend is only a friend when circumstances are pleasant or profitable. At the first sign of trouble, these capricious, disloyal friends will drop their relationship with you. A True Friend or a Real Friend is there for you no matter what. Thick and thin, they don't lie to you no matter what. They also keep their promises. They also don't stab you in the back. They are someone you can truly count on and the truth is you can probably only count them on 1 hand. So let’s start here, do to some very real experiences with a very selfish and self absorbing fair weather friend of mine. I have become an expert in this field of dealing with selfish people.
2. Seek out your friend's side of the story before making assumptions about
what has happened. Use open-ended questions to encourage discussion and avoid
asking specific ones or grilling your friend. Simply ask what happened. Listen
attentively and stay sympathetic. Ask
your friend how he or she felt about what they said or did. Avoid interrupting.
There may be a temptation to correct things they are saying but don't; just
listen for now. Always talk to your friend away from other people. You can't
have a serious conversation about your relationship issues when other people
are around. If your friend won't answer or evades the issue, persist gently but
don't push. It is important to avoid lapsing into a rant or an angry tirade
against your friend, as this will only cause him or her to withdraw even
further. Getting caught doing something negative to a friend is beyond
embarrassing; it's mortifying and most people know it's an issue of broken
trust. You're working with fragility and shame, so take it carefully. If your
friend continues to ignore you, don't persist for now. Say that you'll get back
to them when they've had time to reflect on it. Leave time to simply cool off
and reserve the talk for another time.
3. Tell your side of the
story next. Keep a calm and steady voice and use words that express your
feelings. Avoid making statements that are accusations. Simply explain how
their actions have made you feel. Be as nice as possible but don't sound
desperate, accusatory or angry. Stick to the known facts and preface anything
you're unsure about with comments such as "I don't know if it's true but X
said...” etc. to show that you are still trying to make sense of the unknown,
rather than presuming anything. Don't mention the person who told you. If they
mention names, take your cue from there.
4. Bear in mind that
people who are more removed from you than your friend may have an ax to grind
or simply like to stir up trouble. It is important to keep an open mind before
launching into accusing your friend of letting you down and spreading rumors
about you. Consider what you know about the people who have fed the stories
back to you and what their agenda might be. Consider also why you think your
friend might have said something she or he shouldn't have perhaps something
slipped out without meaning to, perhaps a mistaken belief that someone else
knew something caused your friend to elaborate or perhaps your friend was
clueless about the real intentions of the person she or he spoke with. While
your friend's reasons aren't excuses for their own behavior over which they
have control, they are important aspects for you to consider when working out
how you feel about the friendship from this time forth.
5. Ask your friend if
you have done something to bring on this bout of backstabbing. It's important
to know whether you have somehow (even if the logic behind your friend's
thinking is illogical, odd or wrong) contributed to this state of affairs.
Perhaps they think that you've hurt them in some way and that this is a way of
"getting back" at you for something you've said or done. Perhaps
there has been a misunderstanding. At this point, it's important to clarify the
possibility that your friend sees things in this light. If you have done
something to hurt your friend, apologize. Even if you did nothing wrong
objectively, apologize
for reacting with anger or simply for just what happened. Say something like:
"I'm sorry if I hurt you in any way. It does not matter whose fault it is.
I apologize for any hurt feelings this may have caused in our friendship and I
am sorry that this has happened. Let us both try to put this aside and be
friends again." Know the difference between using "being hurt"
by you as an excuse and genuine feelings of being hurt. This is only something
you can judge from the circumstances at the time but it should be fairly clear
to you. For example, a friend who says she backstabbed you because you owed her
money and she was scared of not being able to pay her rent is making a mountain
out of a molehill; whereas a friend who says she backstabbed you because you
stole her boyfriend may have some justification in feeling hurt (depending on
the context).
6. Tell your friend that
you consider that friendship is stronger than rumors and gossip, and that
you're absolutely willing to work through whatever has happened to restore the
trust in your friendship and move forward from this episode. Ask your friend
what he or she needs from you. This may vary, depending on the situation
(namely, whether it arose as a result of envy, a misunderstanding, anger,
etc.). Explain to your friend what you need from your friend now. Use the
"I-message" formula: I feel angry when you deceive me and I need for
you to be honest with me. Be ready to meet both needs. This is where the
resolution begins. You begin understanding each other and the situation. As you
hear similar needs from each other, the differences are put aside and you are
able to work things through. Brainstorm together a few, or as many, ideas of
how your situation may be resolved. Try your hardest to meet both needs. There
may be room for negotiation and/or compromise. Be ready to give up a part of
your needs in turn Tell your friend how you feel about the decision and ask him
or her if they're content with it as well. Be flexible. Perhaps you need to
accept that your friend did something very stupid but has a learned a solid
lesson and won't be doing it again. Staying objective allows you to accept the
hurt and move on.
7. Slowly build back
trust. Do not let these wounds stay forever and block ability to share secrets
or be open and honest with another person. Life brings us trialing moments
where trust gets broken, however temporarily or easily. The way in which we
respond to that breach of trust says much about our own character as well as
about the other person. The more resilient we are, the more likely we are to be
merciful and give a person we care about another chance, setting aside outrage
as an excuse to stay stuck in being hurt ourselves. Try once more and give your
friend another chance, especially given the boundaries you've set together from
the previous step. Be willing to forgive. Let go of any anger and try to focus on the good
things about your friend. He or she will come around. Talk over any further
disagreements and other obstacles. Make this a clear necessity of the
friendship going forward, to prevent any real or perceived hurts from
festering. More openness should be the key to your future together as friends.
8. Decide what to do if
your friend is not willing to ever discuss or overcome the lapse in judgment
and where you feel that the friendship is no longer viable due to a breach of
trust or irreparable differences. Perhaps this isn't the first time it has happened,
or perhaps your friend is already moving on from your friendship and this was a
cheap shot way to rupture it. In such cases, protect yourself and go into
damage control. Stick with the "I statement" method and tell your
former friend how you feel. Explain why you no longer feel able to remain
friends (breach of trust, a loss of honesty, outgrowing each other, etc.) Realize
that while what has happened was disloyal, you cannot shoulder the blame for
what happened or use it as a reason to distrust other people from this point.
Your former friend chose to do what he or she did and the motivation and
consequences rest entirely with them. Talk to someone else you trust, perhaps a
parent, a spouse, another friend or even a counselor. Discuss what happened
with someone neutral who can reassure you that you’re hurt is real but that you
will also overcome what has happened. It is just important to have a shoulder
to lean on at such a time. Avoid seeking revenge. Thoughts of
revenge may flit in and out but never act on them. Revenge is all-consuming and
has a tendency to cause the person acting in revenge to stoop to the level of
the person they're angry with. Forgive, learn and move on.
Try to sound understanding when you talk. Stay kind. This
is your friend, at least up to this point. Avoid asking them anything by email
or text. This is something to be done face to face only. Besides, it is harder
to ignore or make up things when you're both present together. Be honest. Don't
embellish what you've overheard or being told. Give it time. Time solves, many
things and time heals hurt feelings. Denial from your friend can be undermined
through an apology from you, whether or not it's warranted. For example, if
your friend says something like: "I'm not mad at you, why are you trying
to start stuff like that?” just apologize for overstepping the mark or for
pushing them too hard. You probably won't want to, but it does help them to see
that you're genuine and that you want to patch up things. Also, do not seem
desperate. Do not interrogate them. Do not talk to them in front of your other
friends. If you do become friends, don't ever bring it up again. Avoid doing
the same thing back. Two wrongs don't make a right. Some friendships come to an
end at various stages of our lives, for various reasons. And a cowardly way out
of a friendship often involves spreading gossip or rumors about someone once
considered a good friend. Do not stoop to these peoples level. I just got a
call last night about this same friend of mine who feels that he and I are in
some kind of competition with each other, so he makes up vicious story’s about
me all of the time. This is his MO, (Mode of Operation) its low but to people
like him, feeling pity for a person is not in their make-up. Who wants a
friendship with someone like this? I sure don’t. The sad truth is, this person
more then likely has never been my friend and he used me to try and get inside
my circle of friends that is over 30 years old, and take over my spot. What is
sad, is all of my friends look at this guy for who he really is, a drug addict
and a liar, and he has never been successful with his sad, desperate, evil, attempts,
to disrupt my life long friendships, you must be aware that people like this
feed off the weak and they will take everything you let them take from you
until you are left with nothing. But most of all, you must trust yourself and
who you are inside your soul, as a Christian I allow God to deal with these
people Proverbs
25:20-23 20 Like one who takes away a
garment on a cold day, or like vinegar
poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to
a heavy heart. 21 If your enemy is
hungry, give him food to eat; if he is
thirsty, give him water to drink. 22 In
doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you. 23
Like a north wind that brings unexpected rain is a sly tongue, which provokes a horrified look. I know
that look, I have seen bad things happen to bad people and then they are
standing in wonder and amazement and disbelief as to how could this happen to
them? However we must remember that Iron sharpens Iron, and evil provokes evil,
we must be like the sharp iron so we can fight the evil and be aware of it when
it approaches us.
So
when your dealing with a fair weathered friend, keep in mind that in order to
protect yourself, your friends and even your family, you must be aware of whom
this person is, and like it or not they may never change. If you are like me,
you may choose to love them, however even though I may love him and allow him to
think he is in control, I know who is really in control and he is only around
as long as I allow him to be around. I am not even sure why, maybe it’s pity,
but for what ever reason, I have to look in the mirror and respect myself, and
I choose to take the high road and show him love and allow him to play on my
playground, however, it is my playground, and I do hold the keys to the gate ~
Donnie Bolena
