Do you have Humility or Humiliation?

I ask my self this question each and every day. Am I man of humility, or am I a man who humiliates my self with cockiness and self absorbed arrogance? This is very real question that we all must ask our self. If I am to answer this honestly I would have to say that I seem to have both humility and humiliation in my life, as a matter of fact, I thing we all do to some certain degree. We need to know the difference between having confidence and having humility. Actually we can have both. The ancient Greeks often wrote about the importance of humility. A reoccurring theme throughout their literature was the shameful, often fatal effects of hubris-excessive, arrogant pride. For the Greeks, hubris meant thinking you were wise when you were not. One story that drives home the importance of manly humility is Homer’s The Iliad. Throughout The Iliad, we find young Achilles, the invincible Greek soldier, sitting in his tent pouting because King Agamemnon took his slave woman. All the while, Achilles’ countrymen are dying at the hands of the Trojans. Even when Agamemnon apologizes and gives back the woman in hopes that Achilles will start fighting, Achilles still acts like a little bitch and refuses to do so. In fact, he starts to pack up to head back to Greece. He demonstrates a complete lack of humility. While his comrades perish, he seeks to save his own skin because of an inflated sense of self-importance and his arrogant pride. This pride then results in the great Trojan, Hector, and killing Achilles’ friend. It is only then, after it has become too late, that Achilles decides to fight. Even so, it isn’t even for his country; he is motivated by the pull of revenge. After Achilles kills Hector in battle, in an act of complete dishonor, Achilles ties up Hector’s body to a chariot and drags it around the walls of Troy for nine days. While many today think of Achilles as a hero, to the ancient Greeks he embodied the shameful consequence of hubris. While they admired his legendary fighting ability, the real lesson they took from his story was the need to be humble.

So, what is humility? ~ Let’s dig a little deeper, and look at the definition of humility need not include timidity or becoming a wallflower. Instead, humility simply requires a man to think of his abilities and his actions as no greater, and no lesser, than they really are. Real humility then mandates that a man knows and is completely honest with himself. He honestly assesses what are, and to what magnitude he possess talents and gifts, struggles and weaknesses. Humility is the absence of pride. We are taught to think pride is a good thing. But pride functions only when comparing others to yourself. Don’t base your self-worth on how you stack up to others. Instead, focus on yourself and how you can improve. C.S. Lewis said the following about pride. The point is that each person’s pride is in competition with everyone else’s pride. It is because I wanted to be the big noise at the party that I am so annoyed at someone else being the big noise. Two of a trade never agree. Now what you want to get clear is that Pride is essentially competitive-is competitive by its very nature-while the other vices are competitive only, so to speak, by accident. Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better-looking than others. If everyone else became equally rich, or clever, or good-looking, there would be nothing to be proud about. It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone. Here is what humility is not; in their quest to be humble, people often confuse humility with false modesty. I think we’ve all been guilty of this at one time or another. When we are recognized for a great accomplishment, we act as though what we did really wasn’t that important or that big of a deal. For example, we spend many hours meticulously putting together an excellent presentation for work, and when people praise us we say, “Oh, it was just something I threw together.” We have a tendency to devalue what we’ve done under the pretense of humility. In fact, people often take on the guise of false humility for the sake of receiving more praise and adulation from others. You want people to think “Wow, he said he just threw that together! Imagine what he could do if he had spent hours on it.” When you do something well, don’t toot your own horn excessively, but truthfully acknowledge what you accomplished.

Give credit where credit is due ~ The prideful man will take as much credit for a success as he possibly can. The humble man seeks to shine the light on all the other people and strokes of luck that came together to make that success happen. No man rises on the strength of his bootstraps alone. Innate talent, a supportive family member, friend, teacher or coach, and lucky breaks always contribute somewhere down the line.

Don’t name/experience drop ~ Have you ever been in a conversation with a man who felt it necessary to interject how he’s been to Europe twice, got a 4.0 in college, dines frequently at pricey restaurants, or knows a famous author, at points in the conversation where such tidbits of information didn’t belong? These people are completely annoying and are basically trying let others know how great they are. Their exaggerated sense of self-importance leads them to demand the lion’s share of attention. These men are clearly insecure; they do not think they can win the interest of others without frontloading all of their attention grabbers. A humble man can hold back on sharing his strengths. He understands that others have equally important and interesting stories to share, and his turn will come.

Do what’s expected, but don’t make a big deal about it ~ My grandparent’s generation understood the idea of fulfilling your duty. In his book, The Greatest Generation, Tom Brokaw made this observation. The World War II generation did what was expected of them. But they never talked about it. It was part of the Code. There’s no more telling metaphor than a guy in a football game who does what’s expected of him makes an open-field tackle and then gets up and dances around. When Jerry Kramer threw the block that won the Ice Bowl in ’67, he just got up and walked off the field. Why don’t we take a lesson from our grandfathers? Do something because you’re supposed to do it, have a little humility, and shut the hell up about it.

Perform service and charity anonymously ~ Prideful men want everyone to know when they do a charitable act. They drop the amount of money they donated to a cause into conversation, they post pictures of their service to facebook, and they never miss a chance to remind someone they served of their generosity towards them. They are obviously doing service for the wrong reason: to stoke their ego and gain acclamation. Real charity is not self-seeking and is done solely for the benefit of others. Next time you do something nice; try keeping it completely to yourself. It’s a tough test of your manly humility.

Stop one-upping people ~ Few things are more annoying than a man who must constantly one-up others during conversation. For example, “I once went to a Rolling Stones concert.” Actually I worked it as an usher in Jacksonville’s old Football stadium; it was the Voodoo Lounge Tour “I had backstage passes and everything.” Guess what? Who cares?  Whatever someone says, the one-upper must do him one better. Resist the urge to take part in these pissing contests. You usually end up with pee on your shoe anyway. If you notice someone who wants to engage in this show of one-upmanship, be the better man and let him have his moment of glory. People may talk about that guy’s exciting story the next day, but they’ll remember how much of a gentleman you are years later. Or if that doesn’t work, become an astronaut and walk on the moon. Having humility is the quality of being modest, reverential, even politely submissive, and never being arrogant, contemptuous, rude or even self-abasing. Humility is not something that comes naturally to most, especially in today’s busy competitive society. Everyday, people see others taking advantage of a situation trying to get ahead or make themselves look good and it really doesn’t do anything for them. A humble person is someone who does not boast or try to impress themselves on you. They are generally quiet, meek and typically not self serving. This is a good set of attributes to be seen but is a very difficult trait to be known for since being humble involves so many behaviors in our lives and is really the opposite of the way most people are living their lives.

What if you were to ~ Question your own Humility? Lets take a little internal yes or no quiz; this is only for you to know about your self so be honest with your answers. 

1. Do you take an opportunity to claim credit for things that you are involved in?

2. Do you like to be right and to prove what you know?

3. Maybe you think your job role is more important than the next person or that you are smarter than them?

4. Are you capable of handling things on your own without help from others?

5. Are you proud of your accomplishments or do you ever brag about things you do or can do?

If you answered YES to ANY of these questions maybe you are not as humble as you think you are. I’m going to explore humility in my next couple of articles to help anyone learn to be more humble. Often we can recognize a humble person by related character traits. They are generally calm, courteous, polite, subdued and modest in their behavior and attitudes. A humble attitude is never pompous, proud or arrogant and a humble person does not attempt to belittle others or make them selves look good in comparison. Humble people are easily liked, very approachable and easy to get along with. Humility is the state or quality of being humble freedom from pride and arrogance lowliness of mind a modest estimate of one's own worth a sense of one's own unworthiness through imperfection and sinfulness self-abasement of humbleness is Humility.

Here is my personal take on humility. First and foremost we must strive to be like Jesus. This is harder then it sounds for many of us, me included. We all walk a different path through this life. We are all so very different, yet we are all so much alike. I hope you enjoy this blog. I respect other people's beliefs. This blog is not to proselytize and impose my ideas on others. I will be posing questions for discussion, looking at current situations in the world and the state of mankind. I believe that we live in a magnificent world with boundless opportunities. To be honest, I didn't realize what a hard concept humility is to understand until I began to do some research for this post. I also found that learning humility could be one of the hardest things that any of us could ever accomplish. It seems almost impossible to be truly humble. Not only do we live in a world where instant gratification is the norm, but one in which high self esteem and confidence along with accomplishment are things we strive for and are rewarded for. It seems that everything today revolves around me, myself and I. We live in a world where athletes, actors, and the rich are put up on pedestals and looked up to, and idolized. Accomplishment or success at any cost is rewarded while failure is looked down upon. Being humble is often seen as a weakness. People believe that if we are humble others will step all over us. How can we learn humility when it seems to go against our basic human nature? Humans have a basic need to be recognized for what we accomplish. You can't turn on the TV without seeing another award show, an athlete receiving a trophy, or someone being recognized for something they've done. We even give out Nobel prizes for peace. We all want people to notice us. To tell us we did a good job, or that we are special. We want to feel good about ourselves when we help someone less fortunate. From the earliest age children are taught to try to be the best. To be proud of their achievements. Just look at the competitiveness of high school and the pressure to do well academically and in sports, and to try to get the highest grades and get into the best colleges. I often struggle with my own humility. I am a confident person, and I want to be the best in everything I do. It would appear at first glance that in learning to be humble we must give up some of our self esteem and some of our confidence. That in order to learn humility we must become less, accomplish less, or become a doormat to others. As you will soon find out this isn't true. So here is the question, how do we learn humility and further more how do we learn to appreciate the reward for being humble?

1. Look at the world around you ~ Sometimes we need to stop our rush through life and look around us. We need to look at the vastness of the universe, it’s beauty and complexity, and our place in it. It can be a humbling experience. It is amazing how all of us are like a tiny grain of sand on a vast beach. We are seemingly so small, and unimportant and insignificant in the grand scheme of things, yet we are also so special and unique. We are like snowflakes in a winter storm. There are too many to count, but not one of them are identical. In a previous post I had used an analogy of a puzzle. I had said that each piece no matter how small was important to the entire puzzle. To learn humility we need to realize that we are like the pieces of a puzzle. We are all of equal importance in the puzzles completion.. I also believe that the more we learn the more humble we will become.

2. Think of others first ~ I can tell you from personal experience that this is a hard thing to do. How many times do we start conversations and talk about ourselves or our families? I do it. I'm proud of my Wife and Sons, and I like to tell people about their accomplishments. I've been trying to concentrate on asking people about their families, their personal life, and if they have problems. The idea is to become a good listener.

3. Avoid certain behaviors ~ This seems pretty easy, but it's not. Learning not to boast, brag, toot your own horn, put people down, or judge others is very hard to do. I think the key to this is to make a conscious effort to stop talking and begin listening. Often, bragging or boasting are signs of our own insecurities. A truly humble person doesn't need to build himself up. He already has self esteem, and feels good about himself.

4. Learn how to treat others ~ We've all heard the phrase; "but for the grace of God go I" Many people are often on different levels of that staircase because of circumstances, but they are no better or worse than us. As I wrote in another post; "we are all just people." Part of gaining humility is learning to treat everyone with the same dignity and respect irregardless of their age, socioeconomic situation, profession, or status in society. When you see a homeless person or someone else in need remember that besides food, clothing and shelter, do not offer them sympathy or pity. Instead offer them dignity, encouragement, friendship, hope, gentleness and kindness.

5. Value yourself ~ I talked earlier about how a humble person is never a doormat for others. People who have learned humility have very high self esteem. They value who they are and what they have to offer. When you feel good about yourself as a person, you feel good about what you're contributing to the world, and what you're able to accomplish. A self-centered person will say; "I'm great because I have skills, intelligence and talents.' A humble person will say; "I have been blessed with gifts. How can I use them to help those around me?" Those who are humble don't lower themselves down, but raise those around them up.

6. Paradigm Shifts ~ This phrase was coined by Thomas Kuhn in 1962 and later used by Stephen Covey in his book; "Seven habits of Highly Effective People." He talks about a "personal paradigm shift." This involves a profound change from one way of thinking to another. It involves changing our perceptions and preconceived notions. To truly understand humility this is a necessary step. I have to be honest and tell you that I often have preconceived ideas of people. I know that personally I have a long way to go in understanding humility. Let me give you an example of a preconceived notion. Many times we'll see a homeless person and we'll think that he is a bum who doesn't like to work, or is a criminal. The fact is that the majority of the homeless are good people who have had problems. Many have lost their jobs, and homes. Some are dealing with substance abuse or mental illness. I was surprised to recently learn how many families are homeless as well as veterans of our armed forces. We may look at a Mother on welfare a certain way, but we may be wrong in our thinking. She may have just come out of an abusive relationship and may be working one or more low paying jobs to support herself and her children.

Finally, to learn humility we need to look at people, not how we perceive them, but as people like us who may need our help.  So to be honest with you and myself, personally I have a lot of work to do if I want to ever be called a humble man. I've learned that there are many roadblocks to achieving humility. They include our own pride, personal insecurities, selfishness, and greed. Learning humility is a hard road. Sometimes it's a lot easier to take the easy way. I've been told that gaining humility leads to wisdom, finding meaning in your life, people being drawn to you and personal peace. I wish you all my very best in your own personal journeys, now go out and change someone’s life today, all you need to do that is a lot more humility, and a lot less pride. If anyone knows this to be true, it would be me as I have been humbled ~ Donnie Bolena